I haven't posted about our baby journey since my surgery for endo at the end of March. We are now in month three of our six month window to conceive naturally and still have hope that this process will work without further need for medical intervention. Now... here goes the difficult balancing act that happens behind the scenes that I know many have gone through and are currently going through, but sometimes find difficult to discuss. I certainly went through a massive, spiritual and emotional change in order to be able to talk about this journey. I am very much a private person when it comes to highly emotional parts of my life. This process is extremely taxing emotionally. There are days where I am full of hope, but that hope comes with turmoil each month pregnancy doesn't happen. Because of the emotions, some days I want to just assume this won't work so I can plan for the next step. It's easier to make a plan the have hope sometimes. I don't do well with... you know... feelings... I don't like dealing with extreme feelings, and this has been a good lesson from God on how to do that.
HOWEVER... I have found such comfort from those sharing their journey with me over the years, that I now understand the importance of exploring all that is part of pregnancy difficulties publicly. I want to thank every person who opened up to me and/or Chris about their own struggles with various types of pregnancy and adoption. Without all of you, I would not have been able to accept my own emotions and struggles on this path to parenthood. I wrote in my last blog about Dr. Seeker being placed in my life for a purpose. The women that have surrounded me over the last few years have been strategically placed by God in my path and Chris' path to help us through every part of our baby journey, and I cannot be more thankful for their willingness to help us and share extremely difficult times in their own lives.
There is one person I will mention by name because I know she won't mind. Vicki Bachtel Stephenson has been my friend for almost six years now. Even though we have not always lived close by, she and her husband Josh have always cared for us and reached out to us. We have gone through difficult times together and been there for each other. I wish we could have helped each other more over the last couple of years...
Vicki and Josh's struggle with pregnancy and then through adoption have been an inspiration to me every day. She doesn't even know how much so. I didn't even tell her that until yesterday. When someone asks me how things are going with baby making and then gives me those sad eyes because they are sympathizing with our journey, I can always tell them it's ok because I have hope and God has a plan. I can say that because of Vicki and Josh. They have been living proof to me that it all will work out exactly the way God intends it to be without a doubt.
That's not to say I can't be an emotional yo-yo, because I can! But my belief in God and the living proof around me that is hope allows me to recover from my emotional poor me attitude much more quickly than I could without it.
Right now, I am in the "It's only month three and we have plenty of time" phase while still contemplating next steps if we need to take them. That's the fault of my "we must have a plan" part of me. I can't seem to shake that part of my personality. I'm sure it has nothing to do with my need to control everything. : 0
Yes... I do realize this journey is in part God's way of telling me to let go because He is in control... NOT ME! Wow! That's a tough lesson to learn, but I'm getting there.
Now on to a little medical talk....
The surgery really did help with a lot of things. Endo can and does prevent an egg from being fertilized. We do know that I am ovulating and producing eggs, and Chris is good to go. So really the surgery should allow the egg to be fertilized and for us to conceive naturally. I'm sure stress has not helped that with the end of school, but I do believe this time in our six month window is the best time! I'm relaxed and everything else medically speaking is working properly.
That being said, prayers are much welcomed for the next few months will determine whether we need additional medical support. If that's the case, tough decisions will have to be made monetarily as to what next steps we are able to make. Hopefully it won't come to that, but we are preparing for it anyways... gotta have a plan man!!
Thanks for listening to my ramblings! We will keep you all updated as we go!
April & Chris
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